It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My pussy is not your playground.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
