well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize