I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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