seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
