I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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