i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
