pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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