guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I'm passing your future prison.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
