using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
