i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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