fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Let's get the cat blown out
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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