How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize