Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
