I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
