He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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