is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize