she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
