Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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