if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
