fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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