Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
