im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
