I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
