I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Couch. On fire.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
