dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
