That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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