i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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