so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
