I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
