I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
