I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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