Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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