You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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