i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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