I just saw a hot homeless man
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I can't trust your balls anymore.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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