Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
