I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
50% drunk capacity currently
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
