I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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