you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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