My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
