my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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