Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
