another moral hangover. fuck.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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