There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Randomize
