Your face is a jimmy john
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
