No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
