watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
