I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
