When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
