what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
