Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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