i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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