Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Drunk is a universal language darling
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
