you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize