I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize