guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
