Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
