dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
