she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
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