Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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